eye - 07.11.02


Shooting off at the mouth



I have always been an average-sized guy in the male region (six inches) and have recently had some work done (nine). Now many of my female partners are complaining because certain practices and positions are becoming quite painful. This has caused me to think that women don't like the excess size. I now believe that the work was useless and am rethinking the whole procedure. Do you know of anything I can do? IS LESS REALLY MORE?

I don't know what kind of work you had done, but you seem to be implying actual surgery and not just the consequence of some dubious implement you ordered out of the back of an Archie comic.

Any surgeon who performs phalloplasty will tell you that the most you can get out of your elongation is anywhere from half an inch to about two inches. "A three-inch gain with functionality or without deformity is impossible," says Dr. Robert Stubbs, my pal the penis dude. "You can get a twelve-incher by putting weights on it, but you will not get erections, because you damage the corporal, or erectile, tissue. The Sadhu priests in northern India have achieved two-foot-long penises by hanging weights on them, but they're celibate." Even if they really were celibate (let's face it, abstinence has an alarmingly liberal interpretation among many priests), what the fuck is the point of having a dong the size of a party sub? "Tourist dollars," Dr. Stubbs replies. "People like having their picture taken with them."

So, as Dr. Stubbs says, "Hats off to the doctor who did your surgery and maintained functionality." On the off chance that this is an actual concern and not just a covert attempt to promote the pros of the average-sized penis, yes, you can have your surgery reversed, and men who haven't had elongation but want their penises shortened can also do so. But Dr. Stubbs says only by about an inch. He can be reached at 416-927-9900.

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