eye - 07.18.02


Pendulous next to godliness


I'm a 31-year-old gentleman with a question that has probably festered in the minds of so many other men (and perhaps more than a few girlfriends and wives).

What to do about a sagging scrotum? Unbridled, my testes are in danger of being swallowed up by my anus. The hygiene and aesthetics of this situation are a real concern. And surely my scrotum must sag more with every passing year; gravity is not a force to be pleaded with. Please don't suggest tight underwear that, while supporting my scrotum and its contents, will make me sweat and feel uncomfortable. Is there surgery one can have to tighten up the skin and lift the package to a respectable and clean level? SAD SACK MIKE

Oh sure, for about three to four thousand bucks you can have your scrotum reduced easy-peasy, but I'd think it over if I were you. The scrotum, as plastic surgeon Dr. Robert Stubbs tells me, is basically "a bag of spare parts." Supposing you're in a fire and you burn your face all up. Scrotums are also used to recreate eyelids. Circumcised and considering restoration? Scrotums make fantastic foreskins. To say nothing of your potential for a career in pornography. Self-testicular anal fucking. What a highlight on your resumé!

You are correct about the scrotum drooping with age (sorry, but how hilarious -- it already looks about 700 years old to begin with), so by the time you're 80, your balls will be serving as handsome little seat cushions. Dr Stubbs says you should also see a urologist before you consider any of this, as droopy scrotums are occasionally associated with health problems like hernias. Check out some of his handiwork on www.psurg.com.

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