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PageApril 8, 2002
"How big?" I ask, frowning at the capsules in my
hand.
"Up to 25% bigger than it is now," says the voice down
the line.
Permanently?
"Oh, yes. It should take about three or four bottles."
How will I know when to stop?
"When you get to eight or nine inches," says the voice.
I choke back a chortle.
I'm on the phone with Irvin Turner, 68, an Oshawa herbalist.
I'm holding a plastic bottle of his Eratos. It's new. He advertises
it in our paper, and others.
The brochure is quite something.
It is even more eloquent than Turner himself about the results.
"Increase your penis size by 25%. This is our guarantee!"
it says. Then, "measure yourself during full erection and
add 25%. That is the average size increase."
A bit confusing. Average? Minimum? As much as? Still, it's an
eye-popping promise, no matter how you slice it.
And not only will your penis be bigger, says Turner.
"It will also be better looking."
Just what every guy wants. A penis that looks like Brad Pitt.
The brochure, by Turner's Carlisle Laboratories Inc., has some
novel sales pitches. For one, it refers to a book called 97 Reasons
White Women Prefer Black Men.
I cannot find the book in the Sun library. Perhaps it is out.
Our lawyer is Alan Shanoff. I've called him Little Al, affectionately,
for years. I won't call him that for this column.
Shanoff okayed Eratos for an ad after checking the listed ingredients.
None is banned.
Not listed is an herb Turner calls bois bande. It means "strip
of wood" and grows on such Caribbean isles as Antigua. Turner
was born there. He came to Canada 23 years ago.
Antiguan men have been taking bois bande for years. Turner says
it averts prostate cancer.
Not to mention its effect on your unmentionables.
I run the list of ingredients past pharmacist Marvin Malamed at
Habers Pharmacy on Bathurst St.
Most do influence the nether regions, says Malamed, 59.
Nettle, pumpkin seed and saw palmetto, for instance, are good
for prostates. Soy extracts weed out excess estrogen.
Ginger, oddly, is listed. It's good for the digestion.
Perhaps that's for the candle-light dinner before you try out
your new equipment.
Malamed chuckles at the 25% growth claim.
So does plastic surgeon Dr. Robert Stubbs. He likely is
the city's top penis repairman.
His surgery can add 6 cm, tops. Say two inches.
But a pill?
"Only three things will give you a bigger penis (aside from
surgery)," says Stubbs, who studied with a Dr. Long in China.
1. Heredity. 2. Testosterone shots before age two. 3. Hanging
rocks from it, like some monks do in India. It becomes a foot
long, but is as useful as an elastic band.
"All men want bigger," says Stubbs, 52. "It's psychologically
ingrained. The biggest guy always ruled the herd or the family.
So if they think they can just take a pill ... they'll buy it."
Uh, you ever expanded on nature yourself, Dr. Stubbs?
"No, no," he laughs. "My wives have always been
more concerned about the bulge in my back pocket."
You sure will need a wad of dough for Eratos.
Each bottle of 70 capsules is $78.
You pop two capsules daily. "Also, after taking your shower
in the morning, hold your penis by the glans (tip) and stretch
it for a few minutes," says the pamphlet.
Hey, that's cheating.
"Harder, healthier"
In one to four weeks, "your penis will become greater and
longer with lasting erections and an obvious increase in thickness."
In 10 weeks it "will be harder, healthier, longer, thicker
and will have a new appearance." (Say hello to Mr. Pitt?)
We'll see. As a consumer service, I'm taking the stuff.
So far, nothing. Except I think my hair is growing back.
Well, 1Rome wasn't well-built in a day.
I'm assured the ingredients are safe. Testing seems a bit iffy.
"We gave it to a few men who used it and observed the tremendous
benefits," says Turner.
You use it, Mr. Turner?
"Oh, yes. I've noticed a greater size and more thrusting
power." Jeez, maybe someone should tell NASA about this.
The capsules smell funny. Turner says that's the saw palmetto
and thyme.
Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.
Assuming I can get out from behind my desk.