April 10, 2002
Maybe women are right, fellas.
Maybe our minds do sometimes drift south of our belt buckles.
How else to explain the response to my Monday column about penis enlargement pills?
The calls hit 100 by noon; 200 by supper. The phone's still ringing.
Almost all the men cut right through the attempted humour in the column. They ignore its tongue-in-cheek nature. They deftly dodge its skeptical tone.
They go straight to: "Where do I get this stuff?"
The stuff, in case you missed it, is Eratos, a concoction of herbs peddled by Irvin Turner of Oshawa.
Turner, 68, claims the pills will increase your manhood as much as 25%.
Apparently, a lot of you think I'm selling Eratos.
I'm not. Nor am I endorsing it. Not by a long shot.
I mean, the herbs in Eratos might make your prostate happy. Or aid digestion. Maybe.
But 25% growth? Any growth? C'mon. Let's give our heads a shake, boys.
Just to be sure, I am taking the pills. They cost $78 for a bottle of 70.
Nothing to report. Except my colleagues are looking at me funny.
(I couldn't reach Turner yesterday. He advertises Eratos in small community papers, but is supposed to place an ad in The Sun this week.)
Most interesting, though, is the response of readers.
"I'd be happy if it was just 5%," laughs Peter de Jong, 38, of Richmond Hill.
"I know they say size doesn't matter, but it's a confidence thing. I'm no George Clooney to begin with."
Perhaps not, Peter, but I'm told women like sensitive, articulate guys.
Heang Geun Oh, 73, calls from his Scarborough coffee shop, says he wants to try Eratos. Not that he needs it, really. He has three kids.
If it works, says Heang, he wants rights to the Asia market.
"There's a big economy for this (kind of product)," he says.
Mike Carpino, 20, of East York says, "I think every male, to be honest with you, wants more.
"A few of my buddies read the column, too. They all called to say, 'We gotta try this stuff.'
"We're not ashamed of what we have, we just want a little more."
Eddy Da Silva, 32, runs the column by his wife before he calls me. "She laughed and said I was being really stupid.
"She's happy with me, but I'm just curious. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work."
"There is no pill that makes your penis bigger," says Dr. Richard Casey, of the Men's Health Centre in Oakville.
"If there was, do you think I'd tell anyone? No, I'd keep it for myself."
Hmmm. Noted penis surgeon Dr. Robert Stubbs has the same sense of humour. Must go with this kind of work.
"Guys have insecurities," says Casey, 50.
"They think if they have a bigger penis, women will find them more attractive. But size has nothing to do with relationships or sexual function and most women couldn't give a s---."
GUY NAMED JOE
Guy named Joe rings up from a Toronto Chevy dealership. Tells me he's calling on behalf of 10 co-workers.
Says Casey: "We get a lot of our information about sex from our buddies -- and they always lie to us."
About how often we're getting it. About size.
The average erect penis is 51/2 inches, says Casey.
Sex therapist Joan Marsman, 42, says size matters little -- except in perception. Even with many women. "There is this ingrained belief that size makes a difference."
Our own sex and relationships columnist Valerie Gibson says, "I get loads of letters from men who say they're not big enough.
"It's sort of sad. Women don't give a damn, but they cannot convince men of that.
"Men should spend their money on a book about being a good lover."
Good advice, Val.
Okay, guys, let's go out and buy a really big book.
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