The schlong remains the same
Dear Sasha: I've recently purchased a penis-enlarging
pump-for obvious reasons-and was promised "results"
and "millions sold." When I got the pump and cylinder,
it said "novelty item, not for use"-no instructions,
nothing. When I requested instructions, I was apparently not
worth a response, seeing as how they already had my money. When
I asked locally, I was told to buy a pump to get instructions.
What I would like, please, is information on instructions and
maybe some feedback on whether these devices work or if I've
been had. -Steve
Dear Steven: Oh, jeez, it's garage sale season
again, isn't it? I thought we'd all learned by now that buying
shady contraptions at yard sales when the directions have long
been discarded is a no-no.
All kidding aside, the people who sold you this weren't lying.
They do sell millions and they do get results. You're pretty
fucking pissed off, right? Well, there's your result. Welcome
to the world of being a woman, where billion-dollar snake oil
industries thrive off your greatest fears. You just got sucked
in through the penis door.
I talked to my favourite dick expert, Dr. Robert Stubbs
- no snickering, children, that's his name-who has been doing
surgical penis enlargements in Canada for many years. He won't
endorse the pump, since, among other reasons, its manufacturers
are claiming it will do things it can't. The pump was previously
sold as a device to enable impotent men to temporarily achieve
an erection, but now that everyone is jumping on the bandwagon,
the contraption has suddenly developed magical attributes. With
the pump, your penis will get swollen and erect, after which
you maintain the erection by placing a ligatura (cock ring) around
the base. The pump produces a condition called lymphedema, in
which the pressure forces the capillaries in the penis to break,
producing an effect somewhat akin to a hickey. It also leaves
iron deposits so that the skin darkens and becomes thicker. "This
apparatus will temporarily make it look impressive," says
Stubbs, "but it doesn't lengthen the penis. Anyway, for
most men, it's what dangles that's important."
Then again, I've tackled this subject before and as a result,
got a letter, along with some spectacular photos, from a guy
named Pump. He writes, "I have been using a cock pump for
quite a while now and it works very well. When I first used it
I could barely stretch my cock to seven inches and at times I
would get blood blisters on my cock head. Also, it would take
about two hours for my cock to get completely swollen. But now
within half an hour my cock is swollen and stretched to nine
inches and completely fills the plastic cylinder with ease. Now
after repeated use my cock hangs lower than my balls just the
way I like it. I stretch my cock once a day for a minimum of
one hour. One day it will be bigger and better than it is now."
Great. Let's just hope when he's coming to us from the Unit Massive,
it's still working.