The schlong remains the same

Dear Sasha: I've recently purchased a penis-enlarging pump-for obvious reasons-and was promised "results" and "millions sold." When I got the pump and cylinder, it said "novelty item, not for use"-no instructions, nothing. When I requested instructions, I was apparently not worth a response, seeing as how they already had my money. When I asked locally, I was told to buy a pump to get instructions. What I would like, please, is information on instructions and maybe some feedback on whether these devices work or if I've been had. -Steve

Dear Steven: Oh, jeez, it's garage sale season again, isn't it? I thought we'd all learned by now that buying shady contraptions at yard sales when the directions have long been discarded is a no-no.
All kidding aside, the people who sold you this weren't lying. They do sell millions and they do get results. You're pretty fucking pissed off, right? Well, there's your result. Welcome to the world of being a woman, where billion-dollar snake oil industries thrive off your greatest fears. You just got sucked in through the penis door.
I talked to my favourite dick expert, Dr. Robert Stubbs - no snickering, children, that's his name-who has been doing surgical penis enlargements in Canada for many years. He won't endorse the pump, since, among other reasons, its manufacturers are claiming it will do things it can't. The pump was previously sold as a device to enable impotent men to temporarily achieve an erection, but now that everyone is jumping on the bandwagon, the contraption has suddenly developed magical attributes. With the pump, your penis will get swollen and erect, after which you maintain the erection by placing a ligatura (cock ring) around the base. The pump produces a condition called lymphedema, in which the pressure forces the capillaries in the penis to break, producing an effect somewhat akin to a hickey. It also leaves iron deposits so that the skin darkens and becomes thicker. "This apparatus will temporarily make it look impressive," says Stubbs, "but it doesn't lengthen the penis. Anyway, for most men, it's what dangles that's important."
Then again, I've tackled this subject before and as a result, got a letter, along with some spectacular photos, from a guy named Pump. He writes, "I have been using a cock pump for quite a while now and it works very well. When I first used it I could barely stretch my cock to seven inches and at times I would get blood blisters on my cock head. Also, it would take about two hours for my cock to get completely swollen. But now within half an hour my cock is swollen and stretched to nine inches and completely fills the plastic cylinder with ease. Now after repeated use my cock hangs lower than my balls just the way I like it. I stretch my cock once a day for a minimum of one hour. One day it will be bigger and better than it is now." Great. Let's just hope when he's coming to us from the Unit Massive, it's still working.


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